Harsh words from the other day. My feelings are real and strong.

I don’t have the same defense mechanisms like most people do because I haven’t really developed them. Come on, how do you sugar coat things? People who think simple think in binaries, that you either are an optimist or a pessimist. I might have gone over that before, but come on, people who think optimistically think positive as a defense mechanism. Who wants to see the harsh truth of reality? My thoughts about how things are what they are and how we see them is just our perceptions; it has no bearing to what really is. Is the glass half full or half empty? What does it matter to see it a particular way or the other? The fact is it’s at the middle, and that’s the realism of it. Optimism and pessimism is irrelevant when thinking critically about situations.

The way my mind works is that it disregards the positive and negative implications. Rather, it takes the situation as itself and creates multiple perceptions of the situation that can be viewed simultaneously. Even two, or more, contradictory ideas can be maintained in order to assess the full situation. This mechanism was designed so not to pass judgement at first glance, but to evaluate one instance in comparison to the next and also fully uncover what something is.

"In this treacherous world
There is neither truth nor lie;
All is according to the color
Of the lens through which we spy."

People do look at me as a pessimist. A lot of s*** does happen to me. A lot of people are cruel to me, or just unkind and inconsiderate or just plain or even to a lesser extent. Otherwise I’m ignored or valued less or something. When s*** doesn’t happen, then at times I sit and think about all the s*** going on or had gone on with me and then I wonder why don’t I have anything else to do other than experience blah blah or think about it.

I do have some good times with people and good moments. Those are very seldom, and very rare. I pay attention to EVERY little good thing in life. Those are my simple pleasures. Like I say, the simple hello or the phone call somebody could just give you out of the blue just to see what you were up to or how you were doing. I notice things like how much effort people would give to talk to me. Like I’d notice body gestures. If they were talking to someone else and you went to talk to them, I would notice how much they would turn to you and how directly they are attended to you to how they speak as to their tone of voice or pitch or even to the content of what they are saying. While I was growing up, I picked up on subtle things as I interacted with people, though a true social outcast, not even in the radar to be known as. I actually gained a lot of insights about people by not being part of them.

So the simple pleasures of life is what I pay very close attention to. I blogged about what I thought about them a few months ago, probably in December, that seemed to get some attention to it with a few people commenting to me about it. The little things is something I value very much, something that I know people often take for granted for. People tend to look for the big things in life and not even note the little things. Though I know people know they are there and I know people recognize them, I take it for the very most of it.
Now, to take my view in life as to note the little things to invalidate my bad experiences is to inappropriately weigh the extent of them. In general, I think it’s natural to have the bad things in life to be a little more than the good things. However, my life is way beyond excess of the bad things.

In order to maintain myself required artificial defense mechanisms. People tend to have defense mechanisms that are automatic, but mine are complicated and take time. To confiscate for time is to commence them early, as if it were already in anticipation. My mind has protocols for situations that are likely to encounter based on current information; it would be overloading to simulate a situation that is not likely to occur. It is not a matter of expecting things to happen that elicits them to use the mechanism; the fact is over time, I eventually isolated and specified precisely the situations and what protocols need to be created. That’s the basics of one.

I do overvalue the “little things.” It also falls under my mind set to evaluate all the small things, good or bad, since I mentioned I don’t think in simple binary like optimism and pessimism. For example, when you analyze a person, you do not measure their big things. You assess as many small things as you can think of. The flaw is that people tend to develop an expectation of what kinds of small things that are brought up in their mind. To confiscate for that is to enforce recovering as much information as possible. The information is not to be encoded by the binary of optimism and pessimism because that is the defect of expectation. Then there is a complicated set to evaluate that I honestly can’t get into right now because that goes into another theory and much more details. From those assessments, multiple simulations can be created and maintained. Then they are ranked by likeness to occur based on a current situation. None are to be eliminated unless there is an absolute (or settle for almost absolute) determinate that can invalidate that one. In theory, if you run the simulations simultaneously and come out with an average, you would actually make a pretty good assessment (or even a prediction).

Okay, sided by explaining my methodology, the little things. There’s more bad things than there are little things, I believe, and that is nature. What are at the forefront on most people are the good things, and those are the things people tend to remember. If I went by quantity of good and bad, then I would actually remember more of the bad things because there’s so much of it. However, I tend to remember every detail of the good things because there are so few of them. Time does make details forgotten (like I can’t remember whole scenery or what kinds of clothes people wore, and eventually I lose exact quotations and words, but the most predominant or the details that were overall recorded into memory and also the ones that were specifically recorded and maintained; also, emotions do elicit certain types of memory maintenance). So, in part, I’m almost like most people in that I have that same mechanism.

(Maybe it was faulty of me to call the things I did “defense mechanisms.” But for now, while I lack the better term, that’s what I’ll call it. It makes sense to an extent, but I’m sure there is something that encompasses something broader that I intended).

Well, this is about two pages in Microsoft Word, so that’s a whole lot. The way I view the world has a certain logic to it. It seems complicated because most people may not even think it that way. If it seems simple, then I wonder if those people neglect to see the true nature of it. If it seems flawed, it is, and it keeps on evolving. I cannot even begin to explain every mechanism that works in my head, though this is a tiny fraction of something. This can be broken down and I could be criticized of having a “pessimistic” way of looking into the world or people in general. I am not here to justify how my mind words; rather it is what it is because I am what I am and I was shaped by the experiences of my life and the people around me.

I do have an accurate assessment of myself and almost accurate assessment of how people see me. I don’t have the same fallacies and notions and mechanisms most people have that they would conjure up inaccurate views of themselves. I don’t know how clear I came across that point here. That’s about it. Oh yeah, I am not critiquing other people’s minds; I’m merely giving insight to my mind.

To why I compose such a document a half hour or so to a page I know a lot of people reach by accident or very few people I know stop by and read it is probably to confiscate for the fact that this is, sadly, the closest way I have with having a deep conversation of the philosophies of life with another human being. When I’m with my friends, the few I have and cherish, these are not at the forefront of what I’d talk about. I think I’ll get to that later. I have so much time to think, which is unhealthy, and this is what I do when I’m by myself.