Same ol' torture everyday, everyday...kinda makes you appreciate what one had or could have had....

Some feelings are a bit raw right now....so here some goes.

I think it was a mistake to come to UCSD. I don't expect a lot actually, it's just that I get very little. Though there are some decent people and some possibly good friends, everyone else that abandons, hurts me, dismiss me, insults me, etc. etc. seem to outweigh anything the good can provide by threefold. The negatives far outweigh whatever positive notion I had for being here. On the achievements I have and work I have done, it took so much out of me, drained me, and yet not able to fully recover. The regret is deeper. But for now, the regret on the surface was coming here. From when things began to go wrong, I've never felt any sort of alleviation by it, not even by the people that were suppose to at least make it bearable, but instead, it has been perpetuated and gotten worse.

In reality, I expect very, very little...the fact that I get far less than little and more of the negatives and even the extreme worse shows how I don't seem to be managing here at all.

Beyond that...

I do not view the world as an optimist or a pessimist would...I view it as accurately as I can in the reality of it. Optimism and pessimism are ways to see things, but has no bearing to what really is.

Now what do I do? Do what I always do. Solitarily confined to misery and despair as a nightmare in reality, a sole survivor contained in endless hell.