I hope I pass Chem. LOL Basic, but ehh. I didn't have the time to study as much as I should. However, I'm prepared to start up 6A this fall. I sure hope so 'cause this is soo bad. I'm soo far behind.

I hope I did well in psych 'cause i worked freakin' hard on it. And I did extra credit, too. Professor is really cool. He saw me studying and then asked if I had any last minute questions. Plus as I handed the test we shook hands and he wished me luck. Hmm...I was among the few he acknowledged though. I still don't have impressive scores, but it's good to know the guy.

I played Starcraft with my friends from back home, David, Felipe, and Andres (who i hadn't seen since I've played chess in HS). That was fun. Andres and Felipe got into Berkeley, and they're in the Summer Bridge there. Looks really good. So glad they both got into the Fall. That's really something because it's really tough. To get accepted in the spring sorta...umm...yeah.

Hardly anybody's comin' in my Blogs lately, so I don't really worry about what I write like I used to. Besides, I write so long that hardly anybody really reads much of it anyhow.

It's kinds sad though that it's one of the few venues I have to be open about things. Actually, I can barely here. I tend to be vague, although I know that some people are reading it and can relate and even figure out the hidden stuff. It's really cool that some people take the time to read my little space on the web. I've even got good comments, and I've probably talked about them before. I really appreciated it.

Right now, I'm sorta having a rougher time. Yeah, and I only got these pages to hear me vent and such. Not even my intricate defense mechanisms and coping skills could fix me right now though. It's good that I'm gaining so much insight about life, but there's nothing I could do with it nor could I ever mend from the hardships.

There are things I need to talk about, but don't have anyone to talk to really. If I wanted to talk about my plans for next year in terms of my positions in the organizations and such, I'm sorta alone in this. In addition, many people are busy with their summer plans, vacations, educations, having fun, etc. I may not know a lot of things or how to do things, but I think about things very deeply and am many times troubled by them. So long have I had to fight for position, and many times I've fallen backwards. While some people support me, it really does feel like I'm alone in many things. I don't need people to agree with me, but I just don't have a backbone to keep me grounded, somebody to assure that I could make it and to help me stand up. I'm really sad I have no venue for that. There's so many things I'd like to do, continue from my first year, and I'm having the hardest time bringing them about.

I even want to quit a lot of times. However, I have a mechanism that makes me keep going even if it hurts. It's just that in the end even with what I've accomplished, although not yet hardcore, I ended up very drained and unable to recover from that. Fighting for position is a struggle and it is so discomforting that in the end, I lost more than I gained. It's valid for me to say, and from the looks of things, nobody knows what's that like to the same degree and circumstances and all the situations in between to know what is happening with me.

Politics really hurts. If I left the arena altogether, then hardly anybody would pick up on the work I feel is important or potentially will bring something worthwhile. There were so many times I've been hurt so much, and many times I could cry in my head because my body couldn't bear the tears without breaking down.

It's really weird to be the minority and minority and minority about everything. While the minority fights the majority for position, the lower minority must fight the higher minority for position as well. Such a concept is a premise to the model I'm developing of levels of oppression. Right now, it's early, but it's so flawed and not enough to encompass the complexities of situations. Ehh, aside from that, it's just really hard if I'm at where I'm at.

And since I don't have any other venues than this to talk about stuff, then ehh, later on, I won't be able to talk about these struggles in a public domain here. I'm not going to be able to talk about the drama I'm going to face with people I'll be working with or overall conflicts and such. Inspite of the many things I could talk about, I'm very strong, but not even open to a lot of the things I think....I mean, I honestly don't have a place where I could feel open and comfortable.

I strongly believe in certain tenants and I am not going to be walked on all over. To think some of those people I have to stand up to may be friends...I have to. Ehh, but I'll be alone even more.

Oh I know people have some of these delimmas, but not to devalue them, I don't see the same types of things. Eeh, it sounds like a big deal coming from me now, but I don't know what to expect. Maybe it's no biggie later.

And personal problems rather than political...they're the worst.

I ran away from the horrors from which I came only to find that it was with me all along.