The online life...it's so boring. I still need the cable modem so I'd be able to do things quicker, like downloading and sorts. I seem to get online for the things I need to do like checking my mail and looking stuff up.

With an exception of a very few people, I hardly get to chat much really. Ehh, there's a few chit chats here and there, but it's so dry, nothing new being said, etc. No offense, it's just that it's not like it used to be. Some people don't seem to want to talk to me really. I mean, I could totally tell. If not, then it's the frequency of the same thing. While online is not a reflection on real life totally, there are quite a few indications that make me wonder if that may be the same case.

From certain people that I thought I'd be able to talk to, it feels like everything about me has run dry. It feels like they're getting tired of me.

If I'm expected to become open and assertive in person, then I have to gain confidence. The way things are going, I'm constantly set back. I mean, if i can't win people when it matters, then certainly it's failed. People tell me if they're going to be like that, then they're not worth my time. What they don't understand is that if I had that mentality, then I'd be alone! Under that constraint people say, that's everybody, so it's like yeah, not worth my time, so I'll just be by myself. Really? ehh. Just don't understand.

I have to fight. If I don't, then I'm no where, no one. I guess it's like fighting for position. If I had to assess myself as of now, I lost that fight.

Perhaps a fallacy to the feelings are that I am attributing every bad time to the whole. In quantity and degree, it seems to outweigh its polar opposite. My feeilngs aren't quite logical and reasonable, but such is a consequence for accumulating all these feelings and keeping them inside, as if the wounds of the times remained opened.

Faced with new delimmas and tragic events and realities and even small distresses constantly, I can't help but regress to cease the feelings that feel them. I'd rather not feel at all. Like cancer, even the healthy cells wold die along with the cancerous. When you reach the point that all good things begin to burn and hurt as much as the bad, then you know for sure you've reached a peak. If I could cut off all the bad feelings, I'll do that and even sacrifice all the good ones.

Soo tired..