I have this online journal as a form of venting my raw emotions. I don’t really specify why I feel the way I do as to what happened to me at that specific moment or stuff that bothers me. People tell me that I sound “philosophical” or “too deep” and such. These are a reflection of what goes on in my head. Can anyone at any given moment stop thinking? If I told you not to think of the color yellow at all, I think it would be nearly impossible to not think of the color yellow. To think the way I do in its depths is an enduring process that works, but also causes me stress because I think too much. I cannot stop because there is no other cognitive process to go by. However, that’s why I work on “distractions.” One major reason why I think so much is because I have a lot of time on my own to think about things, even if I don’t want to. It’s a pervasive invasion of my mind that I don’t think anyone can entirely ignore if it seemingly appears to be attacking you by massive floods.

The content to which I write in these Blogs have changed drastically. I used to write about the daily events I go through and how cool things used to be. There’s been a decline to how good of a mood I’ve felt, which alter the way in which I write about how I feel. The mentality of feeling comfortable with Blogs as a forum at the better times remained, so my entries changed to how they are now. I assess they change along with my experiences at hand. Why not have a private journal? I have trouble maintaining those. I can talk about a lot of personal and private things and virtually anything without anyone reading it. Before when my blogs used to sound better, I became comfortable with it and wrote as much as I could each time. Keeping that mentality, entries became tarnished with the such.

I write in Blogs for me. It’s a poor substitute for someone to talk to about things, but these are things I don’t have a need to talk about at all. Though some concepts I’ve come up with on my own are valid and have meaning to the real world and people abroad, I only talk to those with interest or study the field (like psychology, the theories I come up and find relevance to our studies are worth discussing to people I know in class). Other things, some people ask me stuff and I end up having the thoughts and sorts. Otherwise I’m not interested in talking about my problems with anybody or what bothers me much. That’s why they’re restricted here.

I went off on this partly because of new entries in my guestbook. For one, I mean, come on, this space is mine to do whatever I wish with it. Don’t know who the unknown is, but ehh, I don’t have to think much of it or justify things because whoever it is outside the scope to which I should care.

On the other hand, the other entry was comforting. I wonder who it is? I appreciate it.

I do think a lot, even outside the scope of myself. Like I said, I Blog in order to vent some raw emotions of mine. I get hurt a lot, and I am often misunderstood because people often underestimate me and the situations. There are people like me, and there are people with conditions worse than mine. I actually don’t know much in person, otherwise we’d have a lot to talk about and get through this together. I don’t want or need people to understand this side of me. Here these blogs were tarnished as if my soul was bleeding from its open wounds. I use metaphors here of drowning because it is the “good” side of me that is falling to where it is dark and it hurts. Everyday, I try to find meaning and experience joys, and hope not to feel pain. It’s overwhelming for me, and that’s my struggle. My Blogs capture its honesty and my true fears.

Here I mope about things because what else can I do with them? Bottle them up and I’d explode.

I want to be able to make meaningful experiences with life. I want to be able to have the simple joys, the small things I value so much. It’s having friends that you could chill with, but also feel some bonds to. There’s a whole spectrum of feelings that I can honestly say I’ve barely tasted and merely imagined. I can define moments of happiness by the way I feel at the time and how I appreciate the beauty in life itself by its treasures that people neglect to realize are what life is for. I would not ever try to deny an opportunity to have those experiences.

I try so hard and get so tired and fall so much that I wonder how much more can I take. I appear to be complaining in these blogs, but you’re missing its fundamental purpose. It’s for me to vent for myself, not to justify why I feel the way I do with specific reasons. In real life, I struggle and work hard, and that’s something I don’t put here because it’s personalized and it’s nothing that should be written just yet.

I write a great deal because my thoughts run very deep. This is me for right now, and to simply stop thinking cannot be done unless there’s something to replace that.