I miss talking to peeps on the phone! Last night, I talked to some cool friends of mine from here, and that’s been good. They’ve been busy, hehe, but it was all good.

LOL I went to bed like at two! I soo needed sleep and look what I do? And I got up at seven! Vaness called to wake me up, but I was already up. I got ready because KP was going to go paint some no dumping stuff near the drainages around National City.

I was the first one to get to Sun God. Oh, who went. Jay, Joe, April, Vaness, Vanessa, Rudolf, Christie, Diane, and myself. It was mandatory, but it was okay, hehe. It was funny!

April and I had good conversations while we painted the drains. We painted white as the background, and had to wait for it to dry, so we moved along. We did about four, and painted in the stencil. Hehe, it had a duck on it. It was good. LOL when we came back to our first one, it was already painted in! Oh my gosh! But that’s okay, hehe, we don’t gotta that one, hehe. It was fun.

We ate at umm..i forgot what it was called, but it was Filipino food. Hey, it was near my cousin’s place, too, since my parents and my cousin’s parents took us there. It was good.

A lot of people notice the necklace I have been wearing lately. I got it last summer in the Philippines. Boracy was fun. My cousin (I think? lol) Jeno bought one, and then I bought one exactly like it, too. It was cool to hang out. We didn’t talk as much because he was a little younger than me and we’re from totally different worlds. Really cool guy, and I guess he’s one of those friends that I talked about a long time ago that you could just walk with and not say a word and leave thinking you had the best conversation ever. That’s a really good friend. Miss being there though ‘cause I don’t know anybody like that back here in the states.

Anyhow, the necklace. It looks really cool, that’s why we bought it. Ever since I’ve worn it, some people have been lookin’ at it and sayin’ stuff to me, saying how cool it looks or something. Oh yeah, why I got into that. Some random stranger from the restaurant said he liked the necklace I had. He referred to it as a cross, but I don’t see it? Anyhow, it’s the coolest thing. I even like the way I could resize the string in a cool way.

Assassins is fun! I killed somebody yesterday, hehe. Lorelei and I were playing, and we had to call Stine for the safety. Lorelei stepped out of the CCC, which was safe because of KP event Kain’na (Dr. Nacu was talkin’ about her book work of “heart to heart”). Good dinner, too. Anyhow, we were both calling Stine, and right before she stepped back in, I got her! Soo neverous because I knew I was stretching it. I mean, at 4:00, our safeties expired! That was good. Felt stupid, too, ‘cause I thought I stretched it too much that I didn’t kill her! Sheesh! But that’s good.

Oh yeah, there were some potential assassins. Hehe, as we were leaving, Joe wanted to mess around with me and said I didn’t have my safeties and all since I left them and my backpack in his car. I rode with Diane to keep her company, that’s why. Hehe, had some cool talks with her, too. So, he was going to tease me, and I was locked in the car so he couldn’t get me. LOL But I was like “wha…where’s your sticker?” and then knew he didn’t really have me. What were the chances? So that was something…

Diane took me home, and I basically went to bed. Four hours…gives me a hard time now to sleep, but I will eventually.

I always have thoughts, but I never get to put them down ‘cause when I get a chance to, I forget them or am not in the mood for them.

I learned very young that if you don’t get enough sleep for long periods of time, your emotions intensify and you become ultrasensitive. That happens to some people, and depending on who, it is worse on them than on others. I’m really prone to everything emotional. So, for the past few weeks, everything was intensified.

Some good stuff was taken more than it usually should, but that’s problematic because that creates a false perception and degree of what it really was. Bad stuff was always magnified.

I have a very complex mentality and emotionality even though it doesn’t show. I have to suppress and repress so many things. I take so much pain, but persist and endure. No one knows my trials and tribulations nor every aspect of my life. Not even I know how to tell anybody that. Not even I would allow that. So deeply rooted and programmed that it could never be let out.

It’s not so much as needing anybody to be there for me for the above. It’s like the balance I talked about a long while ago. The trials and tribulations just build, and glories and anything good doesn’t build enough. The bad outweighs the good and continues to increase more than the good could ever achieve. As of now, I don’t now hot fix the bad, but I need to be able to make the good increase because there’s nothing else I could do. And that’s so hard to do and I’m trying so hard.

So what do I need? I have to stop being alone. I have to stop thinking and feeling when I’m alone. I have to have some good times and do stuff other than think and feel the same things. Getting involved or doing school work does not alleviate anything. I could manage just a little bit, but constantly, I’m thinking and feeling. I don’t have a lot of happy experiences to outweigh all the bad basically. If I think in random, most likely the bad would come up.

As much as I enjoy a lot of things I’m doing, and the people I’m getting to know, I still needing some fundamental things. The fact I’ve always lacked those and constantly being attacked, I still have open wounds that never healed, but remained open and left vulnerable. And this also describes my plight: my hunger, my starvation, my struggle….