Didn’t get much done on Sunday, but did work actually.

Today, Monday, wasn’t too bad. I had like two classes, DOC and ethnic studies.

Jon sat with me in DOC, and I feel asleep. I thought it was me, but poor lecturer, umm, couldn’t hold my attention. I’m not alone on that actually. I did everything I could…I mean, I had breakfast and a good rest and all, but I couldn’t. Espiritu keeps me awake because of the way she speaks. I like DOC a whole lot, but I guess it’s about presentation. I especially like ethnic studies because those are ideas that I think about a whole lot, and to have them solidified in an actual course makes some thinking valid rather than just up in the air. So yeah.

I went home and like took a nap. Sheesh, the things I do…

I went to the All SAAC meeting like at four thirty. There was a dinner, and it was great seeing all the different people. It would’ve been cool if all the organizations could’ve made it, and it wasn’t as big as the last one. But it was good to get together and hear each other’s stories and so fourth. Wish it would be a bigger retreat though and something like us individual orgs do. Hmm…. One org is hard enough to plan, but a whole coalition of orgs? LOL But it’s just that we rarely ever get a forum to see each other in a common place and time and interact since we’re focused on our own. But I’d like to hear my peer’s experiences and sorts and share and learn and so much.

I stayed for the KP meeting, and that was good. Got it done early, but I’m still here trying to get stuff done…

Rice cooking sux..hehe, I still got some people’s rice cookers, which is okay, but hehe, the thought of making rice again..LOL I’d do it, but everybody’s cookers were so complicated! Doing something weird each time, hehe. But Ingrid kept me company, and that was cool talking to her and getting to know her and learning a bit and laughing at something that’s only funny to us since you gotta be there! Tried sharing it in KP, but hehe, that’s just funny.

Why do I blog? LOL I actually know that I have low turn-outs lately, so it’s really not for people to listen. For those who do read my blogs, it’s really cool, but I guess there’s insights on me. I never really put anything too personally on here, or talk so vague and never get specific. I reserve those for myself or good friends of mine I have yet to find. There are things that I just blog just to have a public domain of the things a college student as myself does. Then there’s the forum of expression I could have, which is for me mainly, but if anybody could relate, then that’s one reason why I have it up. Otherwise I blog for me just so I could maintain and remember.

Why do I waste time thinking? It’s not like I have a choice that is. I mean, it’s a mentality deeply embedded into me since I was a child. I always wondered why cruel things happened to me occasionally and pretty much accepted so early in age that I won’t get everything I want. I didn’t realize that some of the things I did and do want were things I did need, and the fact I didn’t get those made me wonder for the longest time why so. Then I turned around and realized it was all me.

I don’t ask myself questions anymore about the way things are and how they happen to be. I actually moved past that and wonder what I should be doing now. There’s only so many things I could do or am able to do. No one could contest that I don’t try, but the thing is I shouldn’t have to try, but the fact that I don’t make it points back to me.

Err, it’s not so much as I waste time thinking, it’s just that my mind constantly reverts back to the thoughts. I can’t even get the patients to get them all done. Nothing I could do on my own can ever change that, and I’m tired of people telling me what to do about that when they don’t know what that’s like.

I hate being alone. I know I’m not entirely alone, but for things that matter so much, I hate being alone and not having somebody there for it. I’ve never had that opportunity, and when I did, I guess something never works out. It’s strange that many things just don’t work out for me. They don’t for everybody, but for me, I just wish some things would get better rather than going downward, like I talked about the other day.

Err, I dunno…

I don't want any pity...what I need is something sincere, something real. I guess I need it more now this time of year just because I'm prone all emotional vulnerabilities...I'm more sensitive and out of it this time of year. I could explain some aspects of it, but an underlying major factor...

ERr..