I keep telling myself that everything will be fine or it’ll work out. I don’t need anybody right now.

You keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll believe it.

Oh, I’ll believe it. But what’s closing your eyes to the harsh realities when you’re walking on broken glass? Blindness has no relief for me.

There have been a lot of good events and people during the duration of this week. But underneath, it’s actually been my worst week.

I think I really do need somebody. I hate the fact that there are so many things going on in my head that I can’t even talk to somebody about them or even get advice on them. I don’t know what the hell I am suppose to be doing with all this drama and all this stuff.

Over the years, I’ve adapted to analyze and articulate scenarios and people just so I would be able to provide that for myself. It’s frustrating to hear advice that I’ve already thought of and tried and failed.

I hate the fact that I have always been alone. I hate my inability to adapt to people and situations. I hate the fact that I just don’t click with anybody. I hate the fact that no matter what I do, I am stuck with myself like this and with the way things are.

I never felt homesick because it was the home I wished to escape from. Home is the painful reminder of how things used to be and how much I want to forget it.

To be someplace far and new, I thought I could start off new and fresh. Turns out I couldn’t escape myself or what I wanted to leave behind because it was embedded in me that I cannot separate it.

This year was new and felt so good towards the beginning. Now, I call it the “honeymoon effect” because everything seems to be going downhill. Everything doesn’t feel as good as it did towards the beginning. I had the best of times. I still have some fun now, but… I conclude that in the beginning, people are getting to know you, but once they know you, they might not like how you turned out to be. That’s the nature of some “honeymoon effect.”

So, I feel so distant and drifted from the original people that made things so good for me in the beginning. I really question my worth at those times. Oh, I’ve tried so hard to maintain whatever bonds I might have had, but apparently, I had none because now it’s so weird now. I’ve done everything on my part and took just about every suggestion for me. The fact that I have achieved little shows that I mean nothing at all.

But not to say I am distant with everybody I know. It’s just particular people that I thought I were really cool and I was really cool with…it’s just weird now. It’s on their part because of what’s happening now is by their personal choices. If anything, I would feel guilty for just being me.

I have no ventilation for the things that I want to express and want to hear feedback. Something has to be developed before that could happen. I am not yet comfortable. I have to be careful with people because of the ones I thought I could trust in the past weren’t the ones I should have trusted. High school was just the biggest drama, and I had the worst time.

I don’t need to have people hear my plight. Of the current things that are happening now, I want to have some relief.

I am thinking about moving out since there’s a space open. I don’t really like being in this apartment, and to think I don’t really have anybody to talk about it. I’ve talked to my RA about it, and a few friends, but right now when the decision has to be made, I don’t know. Mike Kim said I should go for it. But the fact that I’m leaving doesn’t escape the reasons why I am. And I can’t even explore those and they’ll bother me.

I hate the fact that I can’t talk to anybody. I don’t have the similar experiences as other people have. I can’t joke around because I don’t have that mentality. I am always thinking of serious things. I haven’t developed that mentality. I had some funny moments, yeah, but to be told to say what’s on my mind and I’d never know if it’ll be funny is a fallacy because before I could relax and think of those things, I need to put all these other things aside. How do you set aside some space for relaxation when you’re cluttered with so much stress?

I hate the fact that I am so distant now and don’t have my comfort zones up anymore. I hate the fact that I can’t talk to people. I hate the fact that I don’t know what to do now. I hate the fact that I don’t know what I’ll be doing next year.

I hate the fact that I have stuff to talk about that I don’t want anybody to hear. I hate the fact that even without those things, I’d have current problems happening right now that I don’t know how to deal with.

Finally, I am here, blogging away my mind and having no relief.

I can tell myself so many things and believe them. But that does not change how things really are. I really can think positive and if you see me, I usually have a positive attitude and you would NEVER guess what’s going on in my head. So nobody can tell me I have not thought optimistically and had that attitude and smiled to change. So, I am stuck not knowing what to do.