When I’m home, I don’t feel like writing here. But often I feel like writing something, but just don’t when I do get home.

The way I feel and the way I think are two separate entities.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I think. I’ve talked about how I look at things as they are not so much as looking at the positive light to make myself feel better or the negative light to make myself feel bad. I actually don’t think it’s good for me to distort perceptions. A lot of the things I do believe are healthy. They often revolve around self-affirmations, looking at the world in relation to the self and not so much as the self in relation to the world. I stress the importance of the self, but not to the point where one becomes selfish. I mean, for one, it is good for one to do something for the self, not to do for others. I mean, I go to college not for my family, but for me.

There might be a contradiction as in why do I make sacrifices for other people? I mean, not even the people know of what I’d sacrifice for. Do I do it for them, or am I doing it for me? In the above logic, it seems that I’d be doing something for me, not so much as for them. But in that case, foremost is I do it for them because for me, it’s something that seems right. That rationale seems to work in the above.

I draw a fine line between thoughts and emotions. I don’t have my emotions distort my thoughts or reasoning. I do think in depth and perhaps so much in things people don’t necessarily think about or can handle. I don’t think the problem is perception at all or the way in which things are reasoned. The problem exists at the feeling end of me. There it is either the world in which I exist in or me in the world that I exist in that troubles me. There are no ideological shifts of the sense of self or the sense of self in the world. It very much seems to be held in tact and there are no reasons for it to change. It’s not so much as the way I think that produces discomfort in my life, the attacks to the “peace of mind.” It seems to be the instability of the emotions.

Emotional production is by the self or by the self in the world. Of what I do not have control over, I call it situational. Though I have a place in the world, it’s not as controllable as the self is.

With that, I go through things that I may think is harsh. But I can’t do anything about it as in preventing it or successfully overcoming it. However, I do deal with it and find ways to resolve something. It’s just a matter of life for things to happen. I don’t ever wonder why things happen. I much rather worry about how I’m going to get through it. (And in that way of thinking, I believe that is healthier than wondering why’s with no answers). I find that a lot of things can be reasonably answered and goals and such reasonably attainable.

Emotionally, I don’t feel particularly sound. With my thinking, I could break it down and map it all out, but there’s no problem solving assessment. The way I think is not necessarily connected to the way I feel. I strongly do not believe I should connect the two. I don’t think I should distort thinking just to feel better, though it’s human to do so. I don’t find being entirely human in that respect to be the best route. In an extreme view, is lying to oneself healthy?

I’m pretty much overwhelmed with emotions. I mean, for the most part, I don’t show it. I don’t have any outlets for it, so I don’t actually have expressions for them. I mean, I just don’t. I mean, who’d I talk to? I certainly can’t talk to my family about anything. I don’t have any tangible friends to talk about things. Okay, first of all, it’s not that I want to spill about all that is wrong with my life. That’s actually the least I want to do. I actually don’t have a forum to talk about what’s good in my life. What makes me happy? What I enjoy? What I like? Etc. I don’t have any spaces for those. It’s not bragging about good things.

It’s the sharing of the self and it’s the mutual exchange of the self. Feeling the connection to someone or someones is human, and necessary. Makes one feel like they have a place in the world and have some significance and importance to somebody(s) other than the self. Though a lot of people can say they never had close friends or a best friend or something. It’s just that I actually don’t have anybody. To see how that is, is actually a complicated, long story, but the bottom line is this is the situation. It’s not a matter of choice, but statement of fact. I mean, it’s me, my thing.

I’m not going to cry about it. I’m dealing with it. While I deal with it, I deal with so many other dramas. I can’t say things are getting better because the global picture is that it’s actually accumulating rather than relieving. I’m exhausting myself doing everything I need to and am able to do.

I guess in terms of emotions, I want what I need. From there, no thinking can actually change that. It's a statement of fact. I mean, if you were hungry and deprived from food, changing the way you think does not change your starvation.