Everything seems so overwhelming now. There’s a lot of drama and no one knows me well enough to see it. I don’t need people to see it. I have more pain in my life than joy. It’s so monumental that joy is but mere drops that cannot hold back an avalanche of pain.

If joy and pain are a binary, then it’s a matter of finding a balance between the two. Perfection is a straight line in the middle, but that is unattainable and I’d dread a life like that. However, life is better off when it receives enough joys and enough pains that on average, it’s almost evened out. In this model, I have more pain than joy that even joy feels as if it were pain. What is water that is essential to life and a pleasure to bathe in it when your scorched skin can feel it burn? This is the displacement that needs to be balanced that pain cannot overwhelm joy.

I remember a lot of details about things, good and bad, it’s just that I have a mind for details and a good memory at that. I’ll remember things like initial contact or many details about a certain situation or experience or something with a person and such. I don’t need to re-explore a distressful past or even talk about it. Currently, of what is left behind and cannot be changed does not bother me. It is the fact that I accumulated so much more pain and how I lack equal amounts of joy with my pain to stabilize my life.

As technical as the above sounds, the logical solution is fairly easy. Internally, most adjustments have been made and I’m working on what I can to find joys and keep them. It’s dependent on others, as I, too, am a social being, and require contact and interaction. I can no longer bear so much bombarding pain as there is little to refresh or strengthen me. What I need is the certain elements that I lack rather than excessive agony.

Here I am so weary from all the “raging battles” in my mind that cease to end but collect new clashes daily. For the current things I do need someone to stand by me, support me, hear me and talk to me, I am running low on my actual friends I could confide in. Soon, I will be left to stand alone in perpetual...pain.