Initially, it felt so good to get involved and do things I want to do in a direction I believed in. I did not realize how draining it actually was and how I do not quite recover from the efforts.

For some of the things I worked on or tried to do, I do not think people realized the struggles I went through. For certain people, there is an expectation (not of my invention, but out of obligation I’d argue) of some concern or recognition for something. It is not a want for gratitude, but a validation for one’s efforts, recognition of one’s struggles on the path of it, whether or not it was successful or not.

Other times, I find it really hurtful that certain people don’t acknowledge some hurt I may have in relation to them and me. It’s not so much as there was malice, but not to recognize that there was some injury on me and go on as if everything is fine is blind to me as a person. And for others that should know it that choose to be blind about it also hurt me. In this case, I feel like there was no support for me and no care for how I felt, therefore makes me feel a little worthless and brushed aside.

I do not have a space to feel comfortable to voice a concern or opinion. On the other side, I do not feel like I could make some positive statements about something. I do not feel like I have a forum to talk about what’s on my mind in regards to the work I do or more so to our collectives. I do not feel like what I think even matters.

I don’t understand how some people could encourage me for things and appear to be friends and then distant themselves. There’s plenty of impressions and indications for that. It’s like letting a bird off the tree and leaving under the assumption the bird will fly well. I decided that it wasn’t them I wanted to please, though it took their encouragement to do things I wanted to do that I would not normally do without it. I want to do things, but it feels like that support was false and it’s the self that hopes the self will not hit the ground.

I honestly cannot handle this anymore. Though I like to be useful and won’t stop being useful, it also eats me inside if I am used only when useful, but disregarded for everything else. I cannot bear the feeling of isolation and discomfort not only because I can’t quite fit in, but because I am feel ostracized and invalidated or just don’t matter. I do not feel comfortable nor do I feel like these spaces are safe and for me. Though not all spaces are for everyone, but if these are not for me, then there is almost nothing. I am at the margin of the margin and there is just me.

I thought I could be a strong person who could defy my comfort zones for things I want to do in what I believe in. To do so is like running through thin ice and hoping to make it to the other side. Right now I could feel the icy, cold water in whatever I do. The strength to swim backup and try running again is not there. It’s not like there is a relief or any warmth to, but continuos struggle in the cold and constant falling through the ice.

I have to withdraw to not emotionally perish. One cannot pretend to have strength and have none, as one believes he does and his body just shuts down. I need to rest, and I need to stop going through all this drama that only affects me even though it is relational to the people in contact with me. I need to withdraw from the discomfort and stop running through the ice if the destination does not have what it is I am hoping for.

It is so worth to struggle for something knowing there will be something. However, it is not worth to struggle for something when you know there is nothing. To give up is because it is too hard; in this case, it is because it is irrational and pointless.

I am not going to stop on the things I firmly believe in and sincerely want to do. It has come to the point where I do need to withdraw from some venues because it is taking me nowhere and the effort for it cost me much and I get little in the end. I just need to stop hoping and trying for things that may not even be there because I could focus my energy on some other things.