A few times, I talked about perception as to looking at it optimistically or pessimistically. My notion is that either ways of looking at it does not matter because it does not change the reality of what is. If you look at things in a positive light, yeah, you’ll feel better. Those who look at it at a negative light don’t necessarily want to feel down, but situational, they were conditions to do so. However, there is a point where looking at things is accurate. Too positive makes one blind to the negatives, and too negative is an irrational thought of what is. So, at the middle point closely views the reality, and that is where it is accurate.

So to tell me to look at things differently really doesn’t do much for me. It’s the situational forces that much change. For the personal things I have control over, I do what I can, try so hard. By that, I am not blind to see things in one light or another, but strive for an accurate assessment of something, something not skewed by wanting it to be a certain way as optimism would do or pessimism would provide irrationality.

My perception of the world is not something I express upon interactions with people. Perception is what’s inside, so that’s not the outside to what is seen. So what is seen is not a face that is fake, but is pretty real, it’s just that what’s inside is not exposed. The inside cannot be exposed because it is as if it would be to cut through the skin and flesh to see the bone.

If everything is hurting, then I don’t see how a change in perception changes anything. Does one feel better pretending one is not in pain? If you were on fire, does it help to pretend you’re not?

There’s no question about what happens. I don’t even have to ask why are things for me different than things from others? It’s not fair to compare, but there’s a difference that makes my situation so complicated, as if it were unrecoverable. The questions I do pose are what am I suppose to do at the moment, and how will I change the way things are for something better.

Time passes by so quickly that it’s almost like being in the dark all of one’s life and wondering if there ever was a light. Can anyone dream of returning to what was if thought to be better if it never was before? No. It is idealism in attempts to escape the present self in which one desires for what cannot be obtained. If the self cannot obtain it, then why does it long for it?

One needs not in the sense that there is something wanted and to have it is shear satisfaction. It’s not vain, but essential. What needs, of what is longed for, are as air is to breathe for life. It’s a hunger sprung out of depravation, out of a starvation for something needed, but unreachable.

How is it that I love the world that taints me, that taunts me, that tortures me, that deprives me, that dispossess me, that hates me? I love the world that I hate, and I hate the world that I love.