I heard from Serge’s aunt, who is my aunt. She’s going over to Michigan to see him. I really, really wanted to go fly over there, but I sort of can’t. I could take a train, but that would take a few days, and I don’t know. I really want to see him since he’s....yeah. It hurts to even imagine it. The only thing keeping him alive is his life support, that his brain is so badly damaged that he is.....

Death itself is something I’ve accepted very young, but for those who I care about, it is so hard for me to bear it. I mean, I’ve had relatives pass on and hardly ever knew them to have a significant impact. This is a very great impact on me. I mean, I could barely comprehend it. I can barely grasp the reality of it. I mean, granted that he lives in Michigan and I’ve been over here and only visited a few times while the rest of the time we talked on AIM or on the phone a few times before, I can’ believe it.

I don’t know what to do or think. Sometimes I wished there was something I could pray to, a higher power to help him. I don’t believe in the same things people do, I mainly am on my own. So there’s this helplessness and sense of being alone, that there’s nothing I can do.

I can barely grasp this tragedy. I want to be there. Would I feel any better? I mean, I can’t even get myself over there. I can’t fly, errr, I can’t quite buy a ticket now since I’m really having some money trouble and it’s really short notice. I can’t train because it could actually take three days. And I feel bad ‘cause I have school and I’m afraid to miss it. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just make a larger effort to go? Just skip it all and go. But what do I do there?

I’m so selfish for thinking about me right now. For not dropping everything and just going. I mean, I haven’t told my parents that I wanted to go. I don’t even know if they have the money for me to go since all my expenses go to them sort of thing. I don’t know.

I’d probably just break down. I mean, if I am barely holding myself together here, how would it be if I were to see? I mean, what? I don’t think I’ve felt this way before. I mean, I don’t know.

I was reading back at what I wrote earlier before. I meant what I said. If I could, I’d exchange my life for his, so he may live the rest of his. And these are just words and there’s nothing I could do right to help him.