It shouldn’t bug me by now since I’m totally used to being single. There are more people single out there than there are with somebody. I heard it was like a Hallmark holiday, just a commercial type holiday. So it is.

From what I remember, Saint Valentine was a priest who married couples secretly since the Roman forbade it. Then he was executed very brutally, and of course, Catholic Church declares Saints sometime later. I forgot when the Greek/Roman gods and goddesses became “myth,” but there must’ve been a link to the mythologies to the practices, and eventually, we take it as a holiday.

Not so much as honoring Saint Valentine, it’s just commercially driven really. Someone told me earlier today that maybe it had to do with overdone Christmas presents that companies needed another gift-giving holiday. And then people picked up on whatever it is they value on the day. From Valentine cards when you’re younger to now when you give chocolate or roses or something to your boy/girlfriend or what not.

But for the most of peoples who aren’t with somebody or had broken up with somebody, then it’s just SAD—as in Single Awareness Day.

SAD is more depressing than I thought it would be. It’s not so much as that I’m alone every time, but just some other things. Love in general. I mean, some people who don’t see it as SAD see it as a day of love, and that love extends to even those that aren’t your boy/girlfriend. So it could be your family or friends or whoever.

So, what makes me sad on SAD is that I don’t know if I have that kind of love. Can I say I have that from my family for sure? Aren’t I a horrible person to even have to question their love? Don’t anyone ever pass judgment on me in regards to that. I live a very different life and it’s valid to feel the way I feel, and no one can understand that unless they can relate or even try these pairs of shoes.

How about friends? I have friends, a bunch that I’ve gotten to know from the work I do and they do and such. But it’s not friends in the sense that we really know each other and talk and do stuff together. It’s more like we talk and chit chat at school and talk about school or some of the stuff we’re doing. It’s not like we ever really, really talked and got to know each other on some grander level. I mean, for a lot of times, it’s business, not so much as it ever gets down to personal.

There’s only a few people who seem like friends. I guess I’m grateful for that. It’s just not constant, someone I feel comfortable to call up just to talk. I mean, about anything. I mean, hang out would be nice, too. I mean, I’m pathetic since I’d spend so many times alone. I mean, what can I do? What am I am not doing? I mean, haven’t I tried too hard? Now, it just gets harder and harder and it hurts more each time. Am I condemned for giving up? I’m barely surviving in that arena.

Is it because of my disposition? Well, what opportunities did I have that I excelled in my personal growth and development? How many of those functions worked out and were maintained? How come they all fell apart before they could even be stabilized? I mean, my first year was so difficult emotionally and then there were so many cool people who made me feel like something. But where did they go later? Why did I feel so bad afterwards? Why did I feel so abandoned? I mean, it’s understandable that I’m not a kid or anything, it’s just that after that, then I couldn’t keep myself up. If I’m shy, it’s because I don’t have a lot of opportunity to talk to people. I don’t have the means to build my confidence (if confidence is the issue). Rather, I have more worries. And what do I do to build that? Where do I go if the few spaces I find on campus does not provide for me? There are no spaces for me!! I don’t belong anywhere. Why?

So I can’t really change what I am. I mean, it’s good to be who you are. But what I am saying is that what if there is more to me that I am not yet at? I mean, I have the propensity to be a good person, or not so shy, but comfortable. It just needs those venues to be able to get used to it or something. It’s like having a catalyst. I surely can’t do it on my own because otherwise I would have already been there. Not the motivation in the world can do it.
I’m stuck where I am really. Totally socially inept. I mean, in the long run, I’ll always be the one hurt. I’m so dispensable. I mean, who really thinks about me? Other than the guy that sits in the office and study because that’s all he has to do, what else is there to me? What significance do I actually have on others? From those I knew, nothing more is really shown. Right now it’s difficult for me.

For me to try much harder now is hard. I mean, emotionally I am stressed at every level, running out mental resources to be able to cope with what I have. There’s very little opportunity for me available for that anyhow. And for those I can try or have tried, I don’t know, it’s just that I end up more hurt than I had to begin with. Why the downward slope?

So I don’t know. As of right now, I seem to be totally unlovable. I mean, I can’t even make or maintain any type of relationships. It just hurts so much. I’m totally used to it. Being the one hurt so much or the one cast aside.

There’s no one there. I mean, I’ve almost completely accepted that as fact. Me believing it doesn’t make it true. Faith comes from a somewhat reasonable belief based on past experience or some knowledge and confidence that it will carry through. There’s hardly anything that ever came to my favor in general. By the pattern, it’s not s much as believing it will always be like that, it has shown to be like that. For the times I had high faiths made no difference. But hey. Not all of us are meant for happiness. Some people are, and in order for that, there must be some people that will just be unhappy. Not that they are related, but it’s a displacement of some sort.

I don’t know. Like I said, I’d rather get rid of any emotions just so I don’t have to deal with these internal conflicts. I’d rather be like a machine who just does and thinks but doesn’t feel. If getting rid of all my sadness meant giving up all my happiness, then hey, I’ll give it. There comes a point when things hurt so much that it overweighs anything good. It’s almost better not to have those feelings at all.