I don’t know what’s happening here in my online journal. Too often, I keep asking myself this and write on what I think about it. It’s just that I don’t know.

I made my page so that so many entries can fit in one page, at a glance. If I were to read back, then I’d be able to do without messing with the archives since I haven’t bothered with making titles for such and such.

I started to do blogs kinda like how a lot of the people I knew had theirs. They’d write about their day’s event and say whatever. I began to do that. I became more detailed and wrote a whole lot since my thoughts flow with my typing since I’m pretty quick. Many times it’s too long and people told me I should cut down. Hey, I wrote so much ‘cause I wanted to. I mean, I’m writing for me, and I’ve often said that. It was something for me to “archive” my college experience or what not.

Spinning off the writing of college experiences, then I sort of thought if I did detail it as such, then it had a pretend audience of high school students reading it and saying, oh, a typical day in college with all its highs and lows. Tough midterms and lots of events to go to. So little time, but so much to do. Hardcore studying. All sorts of things. Not that I wanted people to read it, but it had that sense since that’s basically what I was archiving then. I mean, that’s all I wrote about. Friends from back home found it on my profile page and read parts of it. Interesting stuff they say.

So, my freshmen year basically progressed in terms of my involvement and social relations. I was becoming more active and meeting new people. I struggled at some aspects of school, but at those times, it was so bearable. I had so much emotional support for one, and I wasn’t doing too bad. So, I then opened up on my activities and people I met. For me, I’m not able to write in a personal journal, but for a few reasons, this venue was good for expression. A good reason was that it’s open, so it’s kinda like having a conversation with people, moreso than having one with myself. Not that it’s like they’d respond or anything, but the sense that it is being heard somehow gave it some value. It’s different.

So, late winter quarter was probably when things began to digress. For some people I knew, relationships began to turn sour. True faces began to show. I mean, a lot of my social conflicts that I frame are in my head in terms of no out-spoken talk, but things just didn’t make sense. I mean, for a lot of people I knew at the time, how I felt about them and what they thought about me was just fine. With certain people, I became more conscious and, again, it just didn’t make sense. Though I joined organizations and worked so hard in them at different capacities, it does not mean you’d make friends necessarily.

I suppose then it made me explore myself. I’ll never know without asking, but I can’t ask something like that unless there’s a certain amount of mutual comfort and trust. I’m generally quiet and shy, but there’s two things: from my experiences, I’m situated to be shy, which is difficult to break (think trying to heal someone from a traumatic experience, but let’s not equate trauma with my situation, but see that it works similarly), and also that I haven’t had many forums to develop my people skills. For things that two people can’t agree on, it’s not that you’d try to avoid talking to the persons even if you’re frustrated. Who else would that person talk to? If you’re the person that’s suppose to “guide” them, then how much of a “guide” are you if you don’t talk to them? Or even acknowledge they exist? Pass them by as if they were invisible even if you were walking in the same room? Only small talk after knowing each other for a while. Even if someone was so busy, wouldn’t you expect a call or a hello when you see them? Though some people could be busy, but hey, if I am considered “work” to even make a simple phone call or return calls or what not, then that’s just sad. I mean, they’re not really friends. Especially if you see them and they practically ignore you. But for what reasons? That’s harder to look at. I can make guesses, but what?

Since thinking in people’s heads and making an accurate assessment is something I can’t do, I look at me and try to think what’s with me that isn’t making it. I mean, it’s not like I can ask. It’s bad ‘cause it makes me look at myself a lot and wonder what’s wrong. But that’s the only thing I can do. How do I be a better social person? So, I’m always left to wonder about all my inadequacies and what not.

So, that’s just one person who’s probably never going to read this considering I don’t get visitors in this anymore. I mean, that’s the whole spiel for the night. Why did the tone of this online journal radically shift and remain like that?

Then I wondered if I should use my Blogs for venting. At first I didn’t, but eventually, I guess it began to and as raw thoughts and feelings became used, they did shift to a form of venting. Let’s see the process and maybe assess a why.

Good things happen as often as the bad sometimes. Someone wrote once about having to “fight for position.” I followed up one time and situated my expressions on my journal as a topic. If it were me for “fighting for position” whether it be defining my space or where I belong and who I can be or who I can be socially, then I’ve lost. I’ve worked so hard for it, trying to find my belonging and where I’d feel comfortable and safe, and throughout, I’ve only found discord and challenges that were difficult for me to bear because of some issues I was having. I mean, I was mending fast enough to get over with the past drama nor the ability to cope with what was happening at the current. So, in sum, I’ve suffered substantial losses, and that’s why I felt that fight for position has just about been lost. A battle lost? A war? I don’t know, it’s just that it’s hard.

Think about building a sand wall in the beach. When the tides roll in, it attacks your sandy wall, and breaks it. Try to keep building the sand wall before the next wave comes in. It’s so hard to do when the sand is wet, and the waves keep coming and coming, and eventually, you would lose your whole sand wall and it just can’t be rebuilt. That’s kind of how I feel.

I was actually losing comfort zones and losing people as well. I was very much stressed being an officer for an org and all the projects I was doing. In those respects, business was emotionally draining. A good piece on evaluating my worth was written in these blogs February 25, 2002, almost a year ago. That’s when those feelings started to solidify and it did explain a lot of things. It explained why some people were messed up with me and such. More than how it pointed out my social ineptness, it made me assess myself in terms of what position I am in, with respects to others or even just to my intrapersonal level and what it is to be me.

So, not feeling valuable or validated became more and more predominant and dominated my psychological thought. Actually, it wasn’t so far off from what the reasons behind each thing could be. I mean, it does explain many things and it does point on many things that do hold to be true. From what I know now, it is close to being true since people are as I’ve predicted.

Then the “darkness” came. I began to revert into some metaphors of intense emotions. For the most part, they were actually masking the many things that were going on in my life. Then they became so dominant that I took it down from my AIM profile. I didn’t want people to read this. I mean, I was hoping for it to mellow down and eventually get back to how they used to be. Rather, I just seem to be getting more and more down. For a lot of the evaluations of aspects of life, emotions, and feelings, they are not so far off. I like the perspective I have because it does hold some truth and validity and also works. It’s not diluted in bias for optimism or pessimism, but rather a critical look at the way things are, not the way we want to see it.

With my intention of using Blogs as a tool for my expression just for me, they still are for me and only me. I’ve long established my ability to be honest here. For a while when they were read a bunch, there were people who actually told me I wrote something worthwhile, should be a writer, or something flattering like that. I don’t know.

Well, these continue to maintain the mentality to open up even if it was to expose a little bit of the self in order to help me cope by expression. One big reason is that if I did not write them here, then I actually don’t have anybody to talk to. I don’t have a lot of people that I can talk about what’s bugging me. But I’m not the type who’d just want to talk about problems. It’s just that there were many times when I felt that there was no one and I had no one and these things were here as a convenience to write in. I mean, at one point, they were valuable to me and expressed some good stuff, so keeping that in mind, I just wrote in it to make me feel better.

So, until things improve, then they’re just going to be like that. They just get worse and worse and I don’t understand it. Actually, I do, but I just can’t have it like that. Why do I have to continue to suffer? I mean, yeah, everyone suffers, but why do I always have to? That I can’t have a break? A relief? When all the pain would just stop and stop growing or new ones stop spawning all over. More problems and pain comes and on top of that, I just suffer in general. I don’t have a lot of strength to be able to cope with all of these.

Since these Blogs are a reflection of my life in a selected sense, they are honest. However, my online journal has become tarnished by life’s harsh realities.