It's so hard being home. I don't miss home when I am away. I don't want to stay when I am home. I'd like to be far from it as possible. It still ties to me.

Home is a painful reminder of how things used to be. How things are now is hurtful. I was distant with my family before, but now we are lost from each other. Family isn't a sanctuary, but rather perpetuates troubles that were and new ones to come. I cannot escape that. It is the love I've lacked and the pain inflicted that makes home dreadful. How can anyone tell me I am a bitter, selfish person without knowing me and validate such feelings without such experiences? My experiences and feelings are my own, and they are valid over those who do not understand what it is like.

If it is broke, it is broken. I am one to leave the past behind, as it is broken, and cannot be fixed. It is something that cannot be changed, and some things cannot be repaired. It is the future I look into. I do not focus on things I cannot control, like the past, but the future, I have some handle on. All I really want is to have some relatively normal life lacking the intense pains everyday and accumulation of pains over time, but with some balance of pleasure and pain and happiness and saddness. How can I be undeserving of it? How do I deserve cruelty when I am not cruel? We all have our share, but why must I be the overbearer?

Not even away from home, in San Diego, do I find my safe space. A safe space would be a place I'd feel less threatened. I don't have to unravel the deep secrets of my heart, but I'd like to have a place that it would not be judged, that it would be left for me to choose and not invaded and harmed. I want it to be a place where I feel comforted, a place that I can be relieved and relax and not have to fear for relentless pains returning day after day.

I'd also like to feel a place where I belong. I don't need to replace the love in which I've always lacked. It's just the sense of being valued. Everyone feels a sense of self-value when they are needed by somebody. It's a really complex feeling. I need that sense, to belong.

Worst feeling might be to feel as if I am a burden. I am brave and strong on my own. I can handle myself, and so many things that many others cannot handle. I do not have a hard heart, but I have a thriving one. I would hate to be pitied.

I don't know.